Wishing for a Miracle

I haven't really written anything for a long time. It's October. I feel the cold once again. And with it comes the loneliness. Yesterday was the first time that it came back again, after a long time. You know, the feeling that whatever you are doing doesn't really matter much. Sure the job pays for living expenses. Second job for extras. There is a hint of a social life every now and then. But is that it? Is that really all I will be doing?

I'm sure it would be a lot better when you have someone special, someone to pick you up when you're down. It helps having that hand to hold, that body to embrace. Physical contact can do wonders, but when you're emotionally connected to somebody, miracles can happen. Think, how can a single look in her eye or a smile on her face or just watching her go about her chores or work, how can these simple things lift your spirits up even on your direst moment? One word: miracle. And it is only possible when two people have that deep emotional bond called love.

A Filipino in Canada... Major Rant

Let me start by telling you how my day passes so you can have perspective on what my life is like right now.

I work as a customer service representative for a reputable multinational company. Basically, what I do is to answer member inquiries may it be on the phones or through email. It is quite easy. I say anyone would be able to do my job. In one day, I would talk to about 40-50 different people on the phone trying to help them out, or explain something, or in some cases be at the receiving end of an angry rant. Pretty easy I say because everything you need to answer their inquiries are pretty much on the website already. And most of the scenarios have already been played before by other customers. So it is repetitive. Very much so.

After work, I go straight home. I change clothes, proceed to the kitchen to get a bite, or more often than not, a plate stacked with food. I bring the food in front of the TV where I have two small tables, side by side. One table is set for my food of course, chips, chocolates, crackers, wafers, and whatever I bring from the kitchen. The other is home to my laptop and everything electronic. It is also where I lay my book down. Yes, I am studying to get a real estate license. I'm almost done with that.

So I eat. I switch the computer on. If no one else is around, the TV stays switched off. Maybe not. I switch the TV on too. Then I start reading my book, while eating. Usually I say hi to some friends online and chat with them for a few minutes. I then excuse myself so I can get back to my book. At times they would steal a quick few minutes if they needed help, or just wanted to tell me something. That's what I do until I get sleepy. When the yawns start coming, I stop reading my book, and then I do my night rituals, and then go to sleep.

Every working day, I do those. Every day off that I get, I only do the part where I stay home with my book. That's pretty much what my life is like right now. Boring. Repetitive. No challenge at all.

I crave for the life I had before I came to Canada. I used to live an active lifestyle. I did work too, but the work didn't feel like work at all. I loved my job and I loved the people I work with. The job allowed me to use my brain juices. The people made sure I had fun doing my job. It was challenging and I felt fulfilled while carrying out my duties.

My free time is almost always spent with some friends. We would go get coffee, or a few drinks. We would try out restaurants. We would go to concerts. We would go to bars. We would go to different places in the weekends. We would go to the mall, or play billiards or bowling or table tennis or some other sport. There was so much to do.

At times, I would feel like spending time by myself. I would go to my favorite coffee shop, buy my favorite drink and some pastries, take a table in one corner and start reading my book or just watch the people passing by while listening to some music. Or I would go to the mall by myself and window shop or have a movie marathon. Sometimes I would go pig out. I had so much fun, even when I was alone.

Can you see the big difference? Family and relatives tell me life is good in Canada. I admit, I have more money here. I have a complete entertainment system. I have my own apartment. I can buy stuff whenever I want if I wanted to. I guess they think that should make me happy.

That is so far from the truth. Yes these things give me temporary happiness. When I watch my DVDs, I'm fine. When I play on my Playstation, I'm good. When I go shopping for some gadget or whatever, I'm okay. But all that happiness is temporary. When I'm not doing these things, I feel the emptiness inside me. When I go to work, I go with heavy feet. And if I have a good enough excuse not to go, I will take it. When I study, I do it because I just have to finish it. I am not really doing it to excel at it. When I eat, the food fills me up. I crave for so many other tastes though. When I'm with my parents, I'm okay. But to tell you the truth, I still want the company of my friends.

I find that many people who did not experience the life they wanted in the Philippines would settle for a life like what I have right now. Of course, it is much better than what they had back there. But to someone like me, who was able to do what I want when I want to where I want to, it is not. It's a step down. It doesn't measure up to the quality of life I had.

I miss my old life. I miss going to the different beaches and islands of the Philippines. I miss going out to get the food that I want whenever I want to. I miss going to the mall and just walking in and out of shops. I miss having movie marathons in the theaters. I miss going out anytime of the day or night to get my coffee or a couple of beers. I miss going to concerts and rocking to the music or just falling in love with some love song. I miss my old job. I miss my former coworkers, who have become my friends. I miss my "barkadas". I miss my breakfast buddy. I miss my apartment, my home. I miss my best friends most of all, who are always there for me whenever I need them, or vice versa. I miss the laughter and the tears that life in the Philippines gives me.

*sigh* *bigger sigh*

Just trying something...

I want this to show the Ebay Employee Trading Policy

VVN's OMG post

SFC Vancouver

Today I was reunited with my Singles For Christ (SFC from now on). I got a call yesterday from a member of SFC Vancouver West chapter. He invited me to serve in the upcoming Christian Life Program (CLP from now on) to be held every Friday nights. He also let me know of a General Assembly (GA from now on). I went today to see the other members of the serve team.
Arnon, Joan and Eva picked me up and we went to Richmond together. I got to meet more members when we got to the venue. It was fun meeting my fellow SFC, especially because I haven't served for a very long time.

The songs were touching, and at one point, I cried. It was so fun doing that again! I enjoyed the GA so much. I realized my schedule was fixed by the Lord so I can serve Him during this CLP, so I will. Tomorrow, I'm going to the cathedral to hand out flyers for the CLP that's scheduled to start next Friday. I'll be serving with the welcoming committee.

I know He is guiding me right now to do the right things.

So Lord, thank You.

Homesick

I have been through a lot of changes in the past few months. That's nothing though compared to what's been going on in my mind lately. I've been here in Vancouver for almost 6 months now. I got a new job, moved to a new apartment, met a lot of new people and visited some new places. Everything is quiet. Everything looks stable.. except my mind.

I've been stressing a lot lately. I have been thinking of my way of life here and back in the Philippines. When I start comparing, it is very clear to me that I had a better life when I was in the Philippines. Yes I'm making more money here. Yes I'm putting more on savings here. Yes I have better appliances and gadgets here. But you know what, I was still so much happier when I was living in my little apartment with a lot less than perfect set of appliances and furnitures, making just enough money to pay for my bills with a little extra, not much of it going to savings. I was much happier when I was commuting through the slow traffic compared to my trips on the reliable and fast buses and trains of Vancouver. I was happier just window shopping for techno gadgets as compared to now that I can buy some of it with less pain on the pocket.

What makes that so? I think it's really the people. The saying that goes "you can't buy happiness" will be appropriate here. No matter how much money you have in the world if you don't have the people you like around you, it's no use. You cannot be truly happy with just material stuff. And now I can attest to that. I am a living proof.

I am homesick. I miss my real home.

Dreams....

Paulo Coelho said in one of his books, "when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires to make your wish come true".

This is said of dreams, but can it also refer to people? To some, this might actually be true. For most, I would say it's actually not. How many people have we seen who actually got whoever they wanted just for sheer persistence? One? Two? Compare that to the number of people we know who did not end up with the person they really wanted/loved...

Just a thought...

The Pad

My apartment looks good now.

A friend gave me a couch, a table and 2 chairs a few days ago. That makes my apartment fully-furnished now. I like how it looks now and I love the freedom I have in it. Now I can think. Now I can rest. Now I can plan.

I planned to do my laundry today, vacuum everywhere, clean the bathroom, arrange my closets.. and I've done it all! I feel more organized again. I feel in control. I felt so good I finally went for my haircut. I look very different now from the long-haired guy I was just an hour ago. I am clean cut again.. newly shaven, short-cropped hair, casual look.

It is time for me to take control of my life again. I am not letting circumstances dampen my spirit. I am going to drive towards my goal, with confidence... and with hope.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel.